


To Lose or To Gain: Iroh's Child - Untrecherous

by Yemi Hikari (Yemi_Hikari)



Series: To Lose or to Gain [4]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Family Secrets, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hinted Past Lu Ten/Ursa, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, Slice of Life, Spirit World
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25323196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yemi_Hikari/pseuds/Yemi%20Hikari
Summary: Iroh goes looking for something he can not find.
Relationships: Iroh & Lu Ten, Iroh & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: To Lose or to Gain [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827850
Comments: 14
Kudos: 101
Collections: (World) To Lose or to Gain (Avatar: The Last Airbender), 23 emotions, Platonic Relationships





	To Lose or To Gain: Iroh's Child - Untrecherous

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [23emotions](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/23emotions) collection. 



> Disclaimer - I don't own Avatar, the Last Airbender.
> 
> **Prompt:**
> 
> Dead Reckoning  
> (n.) to find yourself bothered by someone’s death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of the landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by—still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much more adrift.
> 
> I originally planned this to be a chapter in To Lose or to Gain: Iroh's Child somewhere around the time Zuko is studying with Piandao, but looking at the above prompt made me realize that it doesn't quite fit into the whole flow of LG:IC, so it became it's own separate one-shot.

“ _Am I a traitor?_ ”

Deep down, he knew he was no traitor, yet with all the events of the last few months, he couldn’t help but feel like a traitor – a traitor to someone he beloved so much and so dearly.

“ _Will you ever forgive me?_ ”

**M**

Dust arose from the Fire Nation encampment as the soldiers practiced their maneuvers in clear sight of the walls of Ba Sing Se. The sound of others speaking, giving him tactical advice blended in with the sound of training outside of his tent. A hot sun beat down on the top of the tent, feeding the inner fire within. Looking down at the stained, yet still so accurate maps of the local area, Iroh knew how close the Fire Nation was to victory.

Nothing could take said victory away.

“General Iroh?”

The sound of a voice from the entrance of the tent sounded urgent and the old man looked up, the corners of his lips twisting ever so slightly, but something on the soldier's face made his facial features falter. He recognized the young man – the son of Akira, the attendant of his wife and even household after her death, stood there, a look in his eyes which said everything in the world was amiss, yet the general couldn’t think of anything which would bring his world crashing down.

Yet that look on the young man’s face…

The young man in front of him was Lu Ten’s brother in arms, a young man who spent countless hours with the esteemed prince since childhood, having made fast companionship. His loyalty to the Fire Nation was only outdone by his fierce loyalty to his son, meaning once Lu Ten became Fire Lord, he would indeed have a strong ally indeed. Yet, for that young man to come to him with such a forlorn look on his face…

“Where is Lu Ten?”

The other men in the tent stopped looking at the map, hearing the tone in Iroh’s voice, their own faces now focused on the young man who brought news of some sort into their midst, news which would break everything into a thousand pieces. “There is a messenger from the Earth Nation.”

Iroh saw the facial features of the others in the tent soften slightly, obviously hoping for a different outcome than the one Iroh somehow knew was coming, yet no matter how much he tried couldn’t push away from the back of his skull. They thought the man in question brought news of Ba Sing Se’s surrender when Iroh knew they brought news of the Fire Nation defeat – for already his heart broke in such an uncontrollable manner. “Send the man forward.”

The man came forward, carrying a cloth in his hand – a cloth wrapped around something. At first, seeming like nothing, the man revealed the _something_ – something which made Iroh’s breath suck in tightly. One of the men in the tent spoke up. “Wait. I thought that was lost. The headpiece of the Crown Prince.”

“Not lost.” Iroh knew the story of how his grandfather gave the piece to Roku as a sign of friendship only for Sozin to betray said friendship later on. He knew in the back of his head the headpiece of the Crown Prince should be in the hands of Ursa, the granddaughter of Roku. “ _She must have given the piece to Lu Ten for good luck. She’ll be heartbroken._ ”

Lu Ten, he knew, should be returning right about now to the front lines of the fight, having taken leave of the battlefield so he might look over the newest recruits for his father, allowing Iroh the ability to remain behind and assessing the situation much better than he would back in the Fire Nation. Iroh breathed in, then let his breath out, knowing before the man said something that Lu Ten and the men with him were lost.

Of course, the men in the tent were in denial, refusing because a lost object could in no way indicate the esteemed prince was in fact dead, yet Iroh knew the piece wasn’t lost. He also knew he was mentally in no state to continue the fight and retreated despite knowing what kind of loss it would be for the Fire Nation. “ _I would not have another father lose his son simply because I am not right in the head at this moment._ ”

**M**

“ _Am I a traitor?_ ”

Iroh knew he wasn’t as he snuck back into the royal courts.

“ _Will he ever forgive me?_ ”

He knew Azulon would indeed forgive him for his moment of weakness, yet this moment of weakness – it wasn’t something which anyone could control. He’d sent soldiers in grief home from the battlefield, knowing full well they would function better after a time of grief. Yet, in the back of his mind the fire which fueled his fighting spirit diminished – he for some reason found himself wishing to cause no other father – including the enemy – to feel the way he now did.

What he didn’t expect was finding a small soul already asleep in Lu Ten’s bed. The child’s golden eyes shown in the flame Iroh lit in his hand, yet he clearly made out the fear and dried streak of tears which crossed the child’s face. Zuko, dear Zuko, struggled just as much with the death of Lu Ten as he did, if not more. After all, until now the child experienced no such loss in his young life, yet memories of the two playing together and Zuko looking up at Lu Ten so adoringly.

“ _Am I a traitor?_

In his heart of hearts, he knew Lu Ten would forgive him, would even say there was nothing to forgive, yet he still thought – they both loved Zuko.

“ _Will he ever forgive me?_ ”

**M**

“I’m traveling to the Earth Nation and I want you to go with me!”

Iroh watched the tea splutter from the mouth of Lu Ten’s childhood friend while the man’s wife stood there gaping at the Crown Prince’s sudden and definitely rude arrival in their home, yet he felt comfortable breaking the societal norms expected of anyone of the noble class in front of this family. The man’s son – Akira he believed his name to be – stared, rather taken aback by the sudden arrival.”

“Um, how is Zuko?”

The boy’s mother slapped him on the back of his head while his father continued staring, completely taken aback by Iroh’s sudden entrance. “That’s Esteemed Prince Zuko to you.”

She reached out, in an attempt to make her son bow, only for Iroh’s hands to raise up. “No, no. Don’t do that. He is Zuko’s esteemed companion, so he is allowed to – well, you know. Be his friend. And plus, I’d rather nobody know I’m here right now.”

Lu Ten’s childhood friend set down his cup of tea, glancing briefly at his now wet clothing before saying, “Really though. How is Prince Zuko?”

“Oh, Zuko is fine. He will be training with Piandao while I am away, but he is already there. If you don’t mind Akira, I’d like you and…” Iroh paused, trying to remember the other boy’s name.

“Hideki.”

“Ah. Well, if you could visit him while he is there training, I would appreciate it. Piandao already knows you may pay him a visit.” He watched the boy looked at him, obviously unsure how to react. Iroh tugged at the hood he used to cover his face. “Well, are you coming or not?”

Lu Ten’s childhood friend watched him warily, then said, “While it is my honored duty to be undyingly loyal to the royal family and the Fire Nation, I can’t with good consciousness let whatever you’re going forward if you’re going to cause some kind of trouble which may end with some kind of harm befalling the Crown Prince. I would be the one taking the direct blame from Lord Azulon regarding that matter.”

“Don’t worry. He is apprised of what I am doing, nor do I seek trouble. Simply answers and enlightenment.” Iroh continued looking at the man, not carrying if he looked like an insane idiot. “ _Something tells me you are in need of similar answers and enlightenment._ ”

**M**

“ _Am I a traitor?_ ”

Looking into answers, suspecting something wasn’t quite right – that wasn’t an act of treachery any more than was loving Ozai’s son as his own.

“ _Will he ever forgive me?_ ”

There was definitely a time in the past when he would in fact have been pained at the idea of his younger brother not ever forgiving him, yet the person who realty should be wondering if the other would forgive them was Ozai. Something felt so off regarding his younger brother and the way he treated his two children differently, it honestly broke Iroh’s heart.

Almost as much as losing Lu Ten.

Perhaps more than losing Lu Ten.

He wasn’t sure.

“Will you forgive me?”

The words came from Iroh’s childhood friend a few days after they’d left the Fire Nation and were still on the way looking for some kind of clue regarding why Lu Ten died the way he did. Iroh found himself looking at the young man in amusement. “I should have been there, when…”

“Don’t. Don’t blame yourself for not being there when the Earth Nation attacked. Not when Lu Ten sent you ahead to announce his arrival like the good son he is. No. You and I both know we could have done nothing.”

“Then what of this journey.”

“Just, something doesn’t sit right in my old bones, something I can’t place my finger upon.” Iroh watched the young man look away, squirming ever so slightly. “Something doesn’t sit right in your bones either.”

Lu Ten’s childhood friend looked at him, almost as if debating what he should say. “If you mean something doesn’t sit right in my bones regarding Lu Ten’s death – yes, but I struggle in figuring out if there is something more to that feeling that just my guilt for not being there or the fact he died so young, or if there was something more.”

“Fair enough.” There came silence between them and they journeyed for awhile more. Iroh looked for anything which might confirm or deny his suspicions, yet little remained for him to look into, yet every so often they would strike up a conversation.

“About the headpiece…”

“I’d rather not discuss where it was all this time.”

“I already know Lu Ten received the piece from Lady Ursa.”

That was more then Iroh knew, yet given the fact he spoke now to Lu Ten’s childhood friend – the friend who stuck with him until the very end, this really didn’t surprise him. “I figured she’d given it to him as a good luck charm.”

He’d thought that was what Lu Ten’s old friend wanted to say, but then he said.“You will give it to Zuko eventually, right?”

There was something about the way he said it. There was no, “ _will you eventually give it to Prince Zuko_ ”, yet the formal way in which he spoke – that wasn’t the issue. It more felt like he knew something Iroh didn’t – something important.

“I mean when he is old enough and ready. Lu Ten would have wanted that.”

Iroh’s eyes blinked a couple of times. He didn’t understand why Lu Ten’s wishes on the matter held any weight, given the fact the small headpiece was Ursa’s – something Lu Ten would have returned once the war was over, although now that sounded like something which would never happen, so perhaps he meant… “Yes. When he’s ready. I take it you know of Ursa’s parentage?”

“Yes.”

“Well, when Zuko is ready for that story, then I will give it to him.”

In the long run, they found nothing which settled the queasy feeling in his gut.

“ _Am I a traitor?_ ”

There was some kind of truth he felt he needed to find, something which bothered him regarding Lu Ten and Lu Ten’s death he couldn’t put a finger on.

“ _Will he ever forgive me?_ ”

**M**

“You will not find what you are looking for here. Return to the world of the living.”

The answer from the dragon – he would later come to realize was the dragon of Avatar Roku only a few moments later – came unexpectedly, yet in his mind, he remembered the dragons on a small, indiscrete island nobody in the Fire Nation knew about where he decided to allow the majestic beasts the chance of living instead of dying – he simply couldn’t do it.

“Please. I simply wish…”

“Come now. Don’t you have my grandchild to take care of?”

“Ah, Avatar Roku.” Iroh found himself bowing in a manner he didn’t bow even to his own father. He’d come into the spirit world, with Lu Ten’s childhood friend keeping watch, in hopes of discovering whatever secret he needed to, not to mention Lu Ten’s blessing. He lifted his head, watching the man carefully.

“Well, I must wonder why you’re here.”

“What do you mean?”

“You and I both know that your son wouldn’t begrudge you a second chance with my grandson. Zuko is – Zuko is special. Even the Fire Lord sees this, although, Zuko’s path may not be the one anyone in the Fire Nation expects. He’s a survivor.”

“I still feel like I’m taking something precious from Lu Ten.”

“That time with Zuko, he wouldn’t begrudge you that. No, he’d want for Zuko’s sake for you to love on that child where he can not.”

Iroh let out a laugh, a half-laugh. “Ah. I see.”

“You tried thinking, ‘oh, so I am forgetting my son by taking on a new son’, yet deep down you know that isn’t the real thing which bothers you. No. While your son’s death may break your heart, what breaks your heart, even more, is seeing how much Lu Ten looked forward to seeing that boy grow, how much Zuko looked forward to learning from him, and how that was lost. You ache not for yourself, but for everyone around you.”

“Are you sure it’s okay?” Iroh shook his head. “No. Why am I asking you this? I still feel as if there is something I don’t know, but I also feel I’m taking something precious away form my dead son.”

“Instead of thinking of taking something precious way, think of it as giving something precious instead.”

“Yes. Help guide Zuko into the young man Lu Ten and I believe he will become.” Iroh let out a deep breath, feeling tired, yet –

He also felt at peace.

**M**

“ _Am I a traitor?_ ”

The feeling wouldn’t escape him despite the fact he knew he shouldn’t think that kind of thought even after speaking to Roku.

“ _Will he ever forgive me?_ ”


End file.
